Saskatchewan

Not our favourite thing to do, driving long distances. Most of the time we fly. However, this time is fairly painless compared with some; we're only going as far as Edmonton on the first day, grab some sleep, then on to Lloydminster. AND! A new record is set on this trip! On the first day, no less! Elio - who can usually out-sleep anybody, cocooned in the back seat - takes the first shift driving! AND! He misses his favourite turn-off in Chilliwack to go to TacoTime, so he drives all the way to Hope! Okay, so maybe it's a mistake that causes it to happen, but it DOES happen! All the way to Hope! Both Jay and I are amazed. Of course, (and understandably after all that), he pulls over at Hope, and Jay gets behind the wheel.

Long after the excitement of that momentous occasion has passed,
Edmonton, but the rest of the day pales in comparison. We find a roadside motel and I lose the coin toss so I get the pull-out bed. A canoe - in case you don't know - is not a long craft used for recreational purposes in the water. It's the bed I'm sleeping in on this night. This one even has a raised platform under the feet, so all the blood rushes to my head as I'm forced to lie in the middle because the sides are too high. Excellent!

A short three hour drive (as opposed to a long three hour drive - I hate those), is all we've left ourselves today. That's barely enough time for Elio to make his cocoon in the backseat. But the routine begins regardless…

First, a pillow is made from other peoples' luggage. Jay's suitcase is excellent for this… nice and squishy. Next, reach into the front and adjust the stereo: completely out of the back speakers first, then play with treble and bass for awhile, before finally returning it to the way it was originally OR change it marginally so the difference is undetectable anyway. Reach into the front again and position all air vents to blow somewhere else, so there is absolutely no airflow in the back seat. Now it's time for the earplugs. Okay, almost there. Next, apply Yellow Avenger face mask, and hat (pulled down low). And there you have it. Incubation can finally begin.

For those of you unfamiliar with Lloydminster, it's a very unique town. The main street runs right down the border between Alberta and Saskatchewan. There are differing laws in the two provinces. Saskatchewan doesn't switch to Daylight Savings Time with the rest of us. So, depending on the time of year, the banks and the bars are open an hour later on one side of the street than the other. This is helpful, because after drinking until closing, you just cross the street and do it again.

The Kooler is a relatively new bar. Big. There are about 350 people there, maybe a few more. And it's hot! Apparently that sentiment is echoed with some of the more attractive females dancing on tables close to the stage, as it's obviously too hot to be wearing clothes. We hate that! I mean, the last thing I want to see when performing, is a bunch of scantily clad women baring their breasts! Umm… yeah… yecch!

Great gig! We're playing with the Poverty Plainsmen who are more or less the house band here. One of the band members is actually part owner of the club.

The club rocks, the Plainsmen are excellent, good people, good food, nice sound system… we hate that! It's packed to the rafters when we play, maybe 400 to 500 people, and probably about 400 to 500 degrees as well. Fahrenheit. Minnedosa was ridiculously hot and I think this may have been hotter. At least in Minnedosa we were outside. Lots of sweaty, dancing bodies but… no breasts! I find this strange. Maybe it's got something to do with those differing laws between the two provinces…

After the show, the management opens the bar and Jay, Elio and I stay for a bit. Just to make sure things don't get out of hand. Well, okay. We help them drink some of the excess alcohol too. Maybe I didn't have enough for dinner. Maybe it's the heat. Maybe I don't have any other excuses, but fifteen minutes and three triple Glenlivets later… Wow! Pass the face, Jay! Without explaining in too much detail, Jay is usually the keeper of the face, but tonight it's definitely my turn. The night isn't over yet, but there seems to be a big, blank spot in my memory from this point on. Except for spending too much time talking into the porcelain telephone later at the hotel room…

We're supposed to play Saskatoon tonight; at Saskatchewan Place, with Bad Company and Harlequin, but the gig is cancelled. So we have a night off. What does a rock band do on the road when they have a night off? Well… eat dinner at a really great vegetarian restaurant; (insert shameless plug here: Heliotrope, Heliotrope, Heliotrope…), then go to a theater and watch a really really BAD movie; then play Between the Sheets. With Skittles. I can't believe you didn't know that! Anyway, if you're ever in Regina, stop in for dinner at the Heliotrope - kind of hard to find, but worth it. Great food. Doug Grant, Elio and I went and all three of us loved the food.

Elio, though not a vegetarian, was very impressed. So. Highly recommended. Then we watched 'Ghosts of Mars', and, I suppose, got what we deserved. You know that phrase, “There's nothing new under the sun”? Well, you start to believe it when even people like John Carpenter reach the limits of their imagination. Oops. Sorry. I forgot. This isn't the movie review column. So. Back to the hotel.

Jay phones:
“Hey man, whatcha guys doin'?”
“…uh, we're playing between the sheets.”
“Oh yeah. Well maybe I oughta leave you guys alone then.”
“No, no. Come on over. We could use a fourth guy. I think there's room enough…”

Seriously, 'Between the Sheets' is a card game we play on the road sometimes, but they have no rolls of quarters at the front desk and we're mostly out of change. Hmmm… what to do? Elio solves the problem and we march down the hall to the vending machine and each get a bag of 'Skittles' to use instead. Eventually, I emerge as the SkittleLord which is fittingly ironic, being that I'm the only diabetic among us and can't even eat the spoils of the SkittleWar. And you thought life on the road as a rock musician might not be exciting!

An easy drive from Regina; less than two hours. As we're waiting for production to set up, I wander into a new/used CD store. There's actually a copy of Slugcology there! And what a deal! $9.99! New! That's a penny cheaper than we sell them for from the stage! Well, except for the taxes… I have to talk about food again here, sorry. Doug Grant and I are both vegetarians, so quite often we have to find somewhere else to eat from where the rest of the band is eating. This is one of those times.

We go to a chinese restaurant - usually pretty safe for us… I order, and ask for no meat on anything, explaining that we're both vegetarians. The waitress writes NO MEAT in big letters on the bill, then asks what we want…
“Can we get just a vegetable Chop Suey?”
“Well, we don't really have that.”
“Well, what's in the House Special Chop Suey?”
“Oh. Just vegetables, maybe a little pork, but there won't be any meat in anything.” (pointing to where she has written NO MEAT on the bill)
“Oh. Okay. And we'll have some fried rice as well.”
“Okay. So the beef fried rice then?”

This is word for word… and, amazing as it is, it's not uncommon in some parts of Canada… where chicken really is a vegetable…

The club is small, close, get down and dirty. We love these. This is where the Slugs show works best. In the middle of the Twist contest, Doug starts talking about the Queen… as he's holding up a $20 bill to bribe the people into twisting… The, “I bet she even farts in bed,” comment leads into a rousing version of, “God Bless our Farting Queen.” Surely you know that one. The band can hardly play, we're laughing so hard. Very enthusiastic encore here, and once more we're treated very well by management and staff.

Approximately 20 hours of driving to get home. Not much unusual here, just more bad road food, and more people stopped on the side of the road, taking pictures and trying to feed the elk and caribou… I can never remember if they prefer Wendy's or Burger King, so we don't stop.

We do stop at a restaurant though, and in the bathroom they have these great orange cards posted, advising us to, “Please aim in the toilet” and “Please don't stand on toilet seat”. Wow. I never would have thought…